First Draft
Tranquil, peaceful, calm
the warm sand across my feet
Clear, open, vast
cool, salty water against my feet
Scorching sun
Fluffy clouds
My umbrella like a shield around me
protecting me
from the burning sun above
Extravagant blue
Open ocean
Expansive sky
stretching out before me like a map
as I close my eyes
and feel the gentle breeze.
Critiques: I need to choose different adverbs towards the beginning of the poem, rather than "across". Also, I need to change the way I describe the way the water feels, the way the sand feels, etc, as well as describe exactly how the sun feels.
Second Draft
Tranquil, peaceful, calm
the warm sand between my toes
Clear, open, vast
cool, salty water against my feet like a refreshing breath of clean air
Scorching sun
freckles appear on my nose
Fluffy clouds
My umbrella like a shield around me
protecting me
from the burning sun above
Extravagant blue
Open ocean
Expansive sky
stretching out before me like a map
as I close my eyes
and feel the gentle breeze.
Critiques: Instead of immediately starting off with a description of the beach, I should lead up to it slowly by explaining things that might suggest that I am talking about the beach.
Final Draft
Sighing deeply
Walking towards the direction of the sunshine
eyes closed as I approach the shore
Tranquil, peaceful, calm
the warm sand between my toes
Clear, open, vast
cool, salty water against my feet like a refreshing breath of clean air
Scorching sun
freckles appear on my nose
Fluffy clouds
My umbrella like a shield around me
protecting me
from the burning sun above
Extravagant blue
Open ocean
Expansive sky
stretching out before me like a map
as I close my eyes
and feel the gentle breeze.
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